I’m mourning. We were supposed to get married next week. That was the deal we made, the plan we’d been working towards from 6 months into our relationship until it all collapsed around us. Our fifth year anniversary as a couple was supposed to be spend making it legal. We were supposed to be trying for a baby. Instead I’m spending the week packing my stuff, relocating and unpacking a new chapter of my life. And eventhough it was my idea to break up, eventhough I’ve had 8 months worth of time to get used to the idea of leaving I’m mourning. I’m crying and I can’t seem to find the point in all of this.
I’ve never shied away from my feelings, and I thouroughly believe that if you are going to be doing something you need to put your all in it. I don’t halfass important things. So when I love I love with all my heart, and I loved him. I do still. And I know I’m not madly, deeply and irrevocably in love with him anymore, but he is my best friend, and he has been my whole support system for the past 5 years. So I still mourn. I mourn the love we lost, the love that turned into a friendship I appreciate with all my heart, I mourn the kids we would have had, the future we talked about and conjured for ourselves through countless of talks over the years. I mourn for the unconditional support I’ve lost with him and our relationship.
I also fear. I fear the unknown. I’m afraid of the uncertainty my future suddenly holds. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of ending up alone, because if I couldn’t make it work with him, my best friend, then I don’t see it happening with anyone else. I’m afraid that I never get to experience being a mom. That I never get to be a bride. I’m absolutely irrevocably terrified that I’ll never experience being happy.
As I touched upon in my first post I have been doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching over the past months – coming to the horrible, even terrifying, conclusion that I have been living my life for others instead of myself. To admit this, has, to be honest, been a long and painful process. I love my family and friends with all that I have, but I have never really been able to love myself – and maybe this is the reason I am now finding myself in a position, where I don’t even know who I am.
Few things like dreams, passions and hobbies have been constant, and most of my notions through times have been fleeting at best. Looking back I think it has been partially due to the fact, that I wanted to please others more than I wanted to please myself, and partially to the fact that I am complete and utterly petrified of failing. If you give up or quit, you are essentially not really failing, you are not even competing you know? I realize this is a flawed logic – and I want to work on it I really do – but it is logic none the less, and logic build on fear is never to be underestimated.
Considering this I have decided to examine some of the things, I have kept coming back to. My goal for my 25th year will then be to, in one way or another, work towards achieving and gaining these experiences. Hopefully, in a year I will be writing you all about how I am happy to have taken life into my own hands, and that I feel like I am finally living the life I wanted. In order for me to be able to keep track of this dreams, and for you to be included here is a list of the three things that have been recurring through my life:
- I wanted to learn how to dance. Ballet preferably – or burlesque (very different from each other, I am aware) but also ballroom dancing. I know it is not necessarily worth anything to be able to ballroom dance today, but it has always seemed so much like something you need to know how to in my heart.
- I wanted to learn how to play the piano. Pretty self explanatory right? But my parents couldn’t afford a piano (nor did they have the space for one) so I learned how to play guitar instead – really poorly, because I never really wanted to play the guitar, I wanted to play the piano.
- I wanted to move to the US, more specifically one of the Southern states. Do not ask me why, I would not be able to explain it. This is probably my biggest dream, and has been for as long as I remember. I have never been to the US – but a part of me, have always, and I mean always, felt like I belonged there. You know how in literature, poetry and songs artist tells about a heart pulling you somewhere without explanation – this is how I feel about the Southern state of the US.
But enough of this! I promise every post want me as depressing and filled with as much melancholy as this one is.