It’s been a while. As I mentioned in the last journal entry, I was grieving. And I still am. I’ve been reflecting a lot about our break up, and if I’m being completely honest, I think it was always meant as a test. I know, I know, no healthy relationships tests their partners, but I honestly believe that was what I was doing when I wanted to break up. You have to understand, I was unhealthy in my dependency of him. I knew it. Everyone knew it. He literally saved my life in my dark periods, and his mere presence diminished the dark periods. But at one point I just wanted him to fight for us, not me – because he did a lot of that all the time – but fight for our relationship. I wanted him to show me, that he was with me, because he wanted to – because I was as important for his sanity and life as he was for me. I wanted him to prove that he wasn’t just with me, because he felt guilty about leaving me, that it wasn’t just because I have suicidal tendencies. But he let me go, so I guess that backfired, huh? And damn that hurts.
I’m mourning. We were supposed to get married next week. That was the deal we made, the plan we’d been working towards from 6 months into our relationship until it all collapsed around us. Our fifth year anniversary as a couple was supposed to be spend making it legal. We were supposed to be trying for a baby. Instead I’m spending the week packing my stuff, relocating and unpacking a new chapter of my life. And eventhough it was my idea to break up, eventhough I’ve had 8 months worth of time to get used to the idea of leaving I’m mourning. I’m crying and I can’t seem to find the point in all of this.
I’ve never shied away from my feelings, and I thouroughly believe that if you are going to be doing something you need to put your all in it. I don’t halfass important things. So when I love I love with all my heart, and I loved him. I do still. And I know I’m not madly, deeply and irrevocably in love with him anymore, but he is my best friend, and he has been my whole support system for the past 5 years. So I still mourn. I mourn the love we lost, the love that turned into a friendship I appreciate with all my heart, I mourn the kids we would have had, the future we talked about and conjured for ourselves through countless of talks over the years. I mourn for the unconditional support I’ve lost with him and our relationship.
I also fear. I fear the unknown. I’m afraid of the uncertainty my future suddenly holds. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of ending up alone, because if I couldn’t make it work with him, my best friend, then I don’t see it happening with anyone else. I’m afraid that I never get to experience being a mom. That I never get to be a bride. I’m absolutely irrevocably terrified that I’ll never experience being happy.
As I touched upon in my first post I have been doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching over the past months – coming to the horrible, even terrifying, conclusion that I have been living my life for others instead of myself. To admit this, has, to be honest, been a long and painful process. I love my family and friends with all that I have, but I have never really been able to love myself – and maybe this is the reason I am now finding myself in a position, where I don’t even know who I am.
Few things like dreams, passions and hobbies have been constant, and most of my notions through times have been fleeting at best. Looking back I think it has been partially due to the fact, that I wanted to please others more than I wanted to please myself, and partially to the fact that I am complete and utterly petrified of failing. If you give up or quit, you are essentially not really failing, you are not even competing you know? I realize this is a flawed logic – and I want to work on it I really do – but it is logic none the less, and logic build on fear is never to be underestimated.
Considering this I have decided to examine some of the things, I have kept coming back to. My goal for my 25th year will then be to, in one way or another, work towards achieving and gaining these experiences. Hopefully, in a year I will be writing you all about how I am happy to have taken life into my own hands, and that I feel like I am finally living the life I wanted. In order for me to be able to keep track of this dreams, and for you to be included here is a list of the three things that have been recurring through my life:
- I wanted to learn how to dance. Ballet preferably – or burlesque (very different from each other, I am aware) but also ballroom dancing. I know it is not necessarily worth anything to be able to ballroom dance today, but it has always seemed so much like something you need to know how to in my heart.
- I wanted to learn how to play the piano. Pretty self explanatory right? But my parents couldn’t afford a piano (nor did they have the space for one) so I learned how to play guitar instead – really poorly, because I never really wanted to play the guitar, I wanted to play the piano.
- I wanted to move to the US, more specifically one of the Southern states. Do not ask me why, I would not be able to explain it. This is probably my biggest dream, and has been for as long as I remember. I have never been to the US – but a part of me, have always, and I mean always, felt like I belonged there. You know how in literature, poetry and songs artist tells about a heart pulling you somewhere without explanation – this is how I feel about the Southern state of the US.
But enough of this! I promise every post want me as depressing and filled with as much melancholy as this one is.
Last month I turned 25. Hooray for me. Like most people this ‘milestone’ left me contemplating life, and let me tell you – I am not satisfied. I mean I love life! I am one of those weird people who will stop in the middle of the street to look and smell a flower and genuinely think, life is a magical thing, and I am blessed to get to experience it. Which is why it hit me in the gutter, when I realised, that I am not living life like I want to.
I realised out of nowhere, that I throughout all of my life have let other people persuade me into thinking the things I would like to do was out of reach, or not what I really wanted. I have made every important decision in my life considering everyone else’s feelings and how they would perceive my decision, and it have left me empty and unfulfilled. Please do not get me wrong, this is no ones fault but my own, my parents have never intentionally pushed their agendas on me, neither has friends, loved ones or even teachers, but I listen when people talk. I realise what they would prefer, and I try my best to live up to those expectations. But enough is enough, and I have promised myself my 25th year will be the year I start living for me.
This blog will hopefully work a dual purpose. First of, I hope it will help me stay on course with the plan to live my life for me. By putting my dreams and goals out there it will become real, and I will have to contemplate and consider what I want out of life. Secondly, I hope it will give me a place to work out my thoughts and feelings in the process. As a result of this, you’re going to know me better than most by the end of this – for now, you’ll have to do with the knowledge that I love the smell of coffee and the first sip of coffee in the morning, peonies are my favourite flowers and I am immensely scared of failure.
That is it for now I guess.
Hope to have y’all with me on this journey to become me.