I think I can now relate to how a druggy feel when craving a new fix. I need to hear your voice. To see you. To understand that we were once real, and that reality now is, that we are not. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare and I can’t wake up. My brain is reasoning this must be a nightmare, because even I can’t be stupid enough to give up on us. On you. On myself. We weren’t picture perfect, but the perfect picture. Why did I let us go? And why didn’t you fight me? I thought we were more.
It’s been a while. As I mentioned in the last journal entry, I was grieving. And I still am. I’ve been reflecting a lot about our break up, and if I’m being completely honest, I think it was always meant as a test. I know, I know, no healthy relationships tests their partners, but I honestly believe that was what I was doing when I wanted to break up. You have to understand, I was unhealthy in my dependency of him. I knew it. Everyone knew it. He literally saved my life in my dark periods, and his mere presence diminished the dark periods. But at one point I just wanted him to fight for us, not me – because he did a lot of that all the time – but fight for our relationship. I wanted him to show me, that he was with me, because he wanted to – because I was as important for his sanity and life as he was for me. I wanted him to prove that he wasn’t just with me, because he felt guilty about leaving me, that it wasn’t just because I have suicidal tendencies. But he let me go, so I guess that backfired, huh? And damn that hurts.
A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor for a check up on how I’m handling the medicine, whether the dosis was correct and similar.. And it went well, I mean for the most part my medicine is dulling the hard feelings, which in turn makes it easier to discuss some of the things I have had a hard time sharing with other people. I shared the attempted assault with the doctor. It was the first time I admitted it out loud to someone I don’t know. I wasn’t prepared for nightmares to resurface during the night though. It’s been years since I was plagued by it. I’ve never really discussed it with friends or family, not because I’m ashamed as most people might think (not because I should be, but because assault victims often are) but because I’d rather not think about it. If I don’t think about it, it’s like it didn’t happen. And well.. If I’m being completely honest a part of me have probably always felt like it was partially my fault. The fact that it was recorded and shared for amusement, didn’t really help to entice me to speak about it either.
I guess I should have seen it coming right? Obviously if you’re going to speak to someone about something you’ve tried to burry in your mind for the past 10 years, it’s going to come back and haunt you. And with the medication I guess it makes sense, it wouldn’t show up until my subconscious was at it’s strongest. It’s difficult, because I honestly don’t remember everything. I was drunk of my ass that night, so drunk I couldn’t move.. I remember mumbling for him to move, I remember the pressure of his body on mine, and I remember being frighten but in the end resigning, and letting blackness engulf me. The next thing that I remember is waking up the next morning.The last thing I remember seeing before the blackness engulfed me was my best friend walking past the room looking in and leaving. And that is the hardest part. Knowing she saw, and she did nothing. We haven’t discussed it afterwards, but if I’m being completely honest with myself, I think I know, that if I really want to heal, I’ll either have to leave that friendship behind or forgive her, and I’m not sure I can actually do any of those things.
First step of recovering is said to be sharing and accepting what happened. First step done I guess. Someone tried to rape me, recorded it and shared it with his friends. My best friend saw what happened and ignored it and I have never forgiven her.
As I’ve previously mentioned I’m currently really wrapped up in finishing my bachelor thesis. Therefore the lack of posts here these days.
I’m happy-ish though, which is the best I’ve been for years. So that’s good. But I guess it is true what they say. Imagination and creation strives on pain and struggle. I’m having a hard time stringing two words together these days, and when I finally do it is much much darker than what I have previously created. It seems that whenever I put my mind to writing what I know, my innermost secrets and darkest thoughts are what fills the paper, and while these reflections are important for me, I’m not sure, they are appropriate for this place.
Lately I’ve been struggling with memories of the attempted assault – and I am currently working on a blog-post related to this, I just need to be sure I’m ready to share it.
I left with my project group for the weekend to get away from distraction and focus on writing the Bachelor thesis, but to be completely fair, I think I’m even more distracted here, than I would have been back home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my group, they are amazing. I am however, the only girl in a sea of guys, and while that might sound like a dream it’s really not. Somewhere along the line over the past three years, I’ve gone from being a female to one of the guys, and I relish this position most of the time, but to be honest, it can get pretty frustrating.
I have to listen to a lot of farts, a lot of inappropriate jokes and even more guy-talk ranging from talk of another girls looks to football. Needless to say, I sometimes need a little girl time. Most of my girl friends are however not in the same city (they are actually not even in the same country region) so I’ve noticed these small changes in my personality over the past couple of months (okay, let’s be fair – years) and I am honestly scared I’m turning in to a guy.
Please tell me it’s reversible? I really love being a girl..
P.s. the guys are actually really hilarious most of the times, I’ll try to write down some of the better stories and share them with you in the future 😉
Long time no see. I’ve been dealing with a lot of pressure, as I’m finishing up my bachelor project these weeks.. And I’m a bit of an overachiever. So I guess the pressure is somewhat selfmade. I had one entry almost ready, but it’s a little personal and a lot dark, so I’m not really sure I’m ready to share it yet. Some day though.
I’ve really been obsessed with the Jimmy Eat World song Hear You Me lately. I shared it as one of the songs of the day previously. The lyrics and the emotion in the song is just so real and raw, while still maintaining a sort of polished sound – I’m not even sure it makes sense, but it has really imprinted into me. I read somewhere the song was written about a couple of sisters who ran the Weezers fan club and tragically died in a car accident on the way back from a Weezer concert, the phrase ‘Hear You Me’ refers to something the girls would always say to each other. Obviously this is an emotional and very beautiful story, for me though.. the truth of the song is different. I lost my Grandmother four years ago. She was old, suffered from dementia, and everyone keeps telling me, it was for the best, but I still feel the loss everyday and I can still cry about it, guess that makes me a bit of a wuss, huh?
The thing is my Gran was my world. I didn’t always connect with people easy, and I’ve always had trouble creating emotional attachments with people, because I am so so SO scared of disappointing, but to my grandma I was the most precious and perfect thing to ever grace this world. She made me believe in myself and she made me feel loved, something I have a really hard time doing. One of the hardest things about losing her was constantly being confronted with other peoples opinion of her. To me she was amazing, but lets just say, that I was the exception for the rule. Constantly having to contemplate if the image I had of her was a lie, well it sucked.
The reason this song makes me think of my grandma, is the phrases:
“So what would you think of me now/So lucky, so strong, so proud?/I never said thank you for that/now I’ll never have a chance”
“And if you were with me tonight/I’d sing to you just one more time/A song for a heart so big/God wouldn’t let it live”
I guess it’s pretty self explanatory why those things would remind me of her, huh? I still want to make her proud, and I think about whether or not I do every single day and with every decision I make. The other part of the lyrics is actually two fold, we used to sing together – I actually once promised I’d sing at her funeral, but I couldn’t. I still feel guilty for that. And her heart was big when it came to me.. While I know that part of the lyrics should probably be understood as a reference to the fact that the girls were young when they died, and my Grandma was everything but young when she died, I still needed her and her heart, so I have to believe God took it for a reason.
So, I guess you know my song truth for ‘Hear You Me’ now.
About reality. It’s a concept I’ve struggled a lot with in the past, and I guess I still do today. It’s probably not been made easier by my issues, but I’m not sure that’s what caused it. I mean.. How is reality constructed? I know some distinguishes reality from imagining – or lies from truth. But what happens, when a lie has been told so many times you can’t remember what the truth is?
I lied a lot growing up. First I lied so my parents didn’t know I was picked on, then I lied to fit in, then I started lying so people wouldn’t know how bad things were. And somewhere along the way I lost track of what was lies and what was reality, and it can still mess with my head. I can think back to a situation and be certain I was there, that it was reality, and later find out it never happened. I can wake up from a night out and not be able to distinguish between what I dreamt, and what is alcohol induced haze. I can read a book and get so submerged in it, that I actually feel loss when its over – feel like I know the people in real life, and find myself sharing anecdotes, just to remember they never actually happened but were fictive events in a book or movie. And to be completely honest with you, it scare the shit out of me – because if I don’t even know what’s real and not inside my head, how can I ever find peace?
Lately I’ve found myself getting frustrated with myself. Annoyed that I overthink everything, that my brain never slows down but always goes a mile a minute speeding through ridiculous questions and debates that serve no purpose other than distress me. I’m really hoping some of these ramblings will limit the ramblings inside my head. I try to limit the more crazy ones from appearing here, but if I slip up a little, feel free to tell me.
So journal entry number 2, huh?
A couple of months back I broke up with my boyfriend of five years, and I didn’t shed a single tear. Don’t get me wrong: I love the guy, he is the most amazing man I have ever met, my best friend without a doubt. But he wasn’t the guy, you know? No? Let me try and explain..
I, like a lot of women these days, has a love for romance books. When I say romance books I mean both the innocent YA kind and the dirty “mommy porn” – they serve the same purpose. They give me a believe in the perfect love. Which is completely ridiculous right? I mean, love as a concept – I guess – exists, but the love portrayed in movies (not a big fan of rom-coms btw) and in romance books are glossy and picture perfect, and I guess real love isn’t like that. But if there is a tiny sliver of a chance that there might be a guy out there, who can make my heart feel as if it’s pounding out of my chest, who can make me shiver by whispering in my ear, and who can make it seem as if I’m seeing color for the first time, shouldn’t I be waiting for that? So I broke the heart of the only person, who’s ever been there unconditionally, and the only thing I felt was guilty that I hurt him – and that made me feel guilty for not feeling more.
In the end I think I’ve sort of come to terms with the fact, that he will always be my family. And I will always love him, but it was not fair to me, and it was definitely not fair to him, to keep a relationship going, if I was always going to wonder, if there was something more. And if there was more, I really want that for him as well.
I’m not completely sure what this rambling was for, except maybe easing my guilt – does that make me a bad person?
P.S. I’ve started writing my own romance novel, maybe I should share it here?
So it’s been a while.. I’ve been pretty preoccupied, and to be completely honest, I have a love/hate relationship with this whole blogging concept. I’ve always had a hard time separating personal from private thoughts, and when I write, I write with complete honesty.
In almost all “how to create a succesful blog” it is stated you need commitment and to be true to your expression. To be honest, I think my issue is, that I don’t know what my expression is. I’m not just one thing, one stereotype, one personality. I’ve never really been able to figure out whether this is common, but other people hide it better, or if it is a “side effect” of my “issues”. I think maybe we all contain contradictions, I know I’m a bundle of them. It gets confusing, because if I can’t commit to one personality, how am I to ever fit in anywhere? I remember one time being told that man created hell and the devil, because we weren’t able to understand good unless it was put into contrast with evil. That the human brain understand concepts on the basis of contradictions. I don’t know if this is true, and I won’t even go into the whole “does God exist” debate, people’s faith is there own, but if I just consider the whole human needs contradictions to understand concepts, I guess it would make sense, we are contradictions.
I finally started medication. Antidepressants. I fought against taking them for 12 years, scared to death, that I would loose myself, my emotions, my thoughts – me. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it yet. After taking the first pill it felt as if a fog lifted from my thoughts, and everything became a little more focused, but at the same time it felt as if all of me was pushed down, like a lid was shoved down over my emotions. Things I had buried years ago resurfaced and while they still aren’t pleasant to think about, I feel ready to deal with them now, and while this is amazing (especially if I can finally let go of some of these demons) I feel that this development might have something to do with me being unable to actually feel. It is as if I can see the emotion I am supposed to feel, I understand how it feels, but it doesn’t penetrate. And it honestly scares me to death.
So I thought it might be fun to list some of the contradictions I identify in myself, but then I realized I didn’t want to bias you guys. Maybe if we keep this up, you’ll be able to identify them.