I’m mourning. We were supposed to get married next week. That was the deal we made, the plan we’d been working towards from 6 months into our relationship until it all collapsed around us. Our fifth year anniversary as a couple was supposed to be spend making it legal. We were supposed to be trying for a baby. Instead I’m spending the week packing my stuff, relocating and unpacking a new chapter of my life. And eventhough it was my idea to break up, eventhough I’ve had 8 months worth of time to get used to the idea of leaving I’m mourning. I’m crying and I can’t seem to find the point in all of this.
I’ve never shied away from my feelings, and I thouroughly believe that if you are going to be doing something you need to put your all in it. I don’t halfass important things. So when I love I love with all my heart, and I loved him. I do still. And I know I’m not madly, deeply and irrevocably in love with him anymore, but he is my best friend, and he has been my whole support system for the past 5 years. So I still mourn. I mourn the love we lost, the love that turned into a friendship I appreciate with all my heart, I mourn the kids we would have had, the future we talked about and conjured for ourselves through countless of talks over the years. I mourn for the unconditional support I’ve lost with him and our relationship.
I also fear. I fear the unknown. I’m afraid of the uncertainty my future suddenly holds. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of ending up alone, because if I couldn’t make it work with him, my best friend, then I don’t see it happening with anyone else. I’m afraid that I never get to experience being a mom. That I never get to be a bride. I’m absolutely irrevocably terrified that I’ll never experience being happy.
Emptiness. Nothingness. Darkness.
There’s a hole in my chest. It’s always there, even when I’m in my good periods, it’s never far away. I can feel it, when every laugh is followed with an aching in my chest, that makes it feel hollow. I can feel how it grows larger and larger, consuming emotion after emotion, starting with the happy ones, turning smiles and laughs into tears and sobs – until there is no happy emotions inside, no love, no caring, no liking. But the hole keeps growing, keeps feeding, it eats away the sadness, the pain, the despair, leaving in its wake a nothingness, that is worse than anything you could ever imagine. You know, how people in pain wish for oblivion, for nothingness? They have never tried it. Walking around with no emotions, with no opinions – like a zombie – is the worst. For me, it’s like my body is functioning on autopilot, but poorly I might add. I forget to eat. I neglect obligations, because I can’t be bothered. I remove myself from everything, because what is the point? I sleep. 18 hours a day. Every day for weeks. Sometimes even months. Always feeling the hole eating, feasting. Always remembering a trace of how it should be, but never being able to retrieve it completely. Knowing life should be about more, that emotions exists, remembering what they are supposed to feel like, without being able to feel them. Having to force yourself to smile, laugh, cry at the right moments, because otherwise people will know, they will know, but they won’t understand. They give you their sympathy, but they can’t relate. They don’t understand what nothing really feel like – and you can’t explain it.
A lot of people have an opinion on depression. What I’ve noticed, is, that if people haven’t had personal experience with depression, they tend to believe it’s sort of “like having a bad day” and that most people with depression are just not good at handling bad days. Some people have even told me, that depression is a figment of my imagination, and that it isn’t really real. Well, it feels real to me. When my heart beats faster just with the thought of facing reality for another day, when I wake up screaming and thrashing in bed because of nightmares, when I feel so overcome by emptiness that I feel like I can’t be inside my own body – it feels real, when everyday I wake up hating myself, having to convince myself that I shouldn’t give up. That today shouldn’t be the day I finally find a sliver of piece in death.
I’ve had the distinct pleasure of dealing with depression on and on (yes it’s never really been off, just sort of dormant in periods) since I was 12-ish, so I’d say my knowledge of the feelings involved with depression is better than the average. These feelings and emotions are really difficult to verbalize, and just because this is how I feel when I’m depressed this does not mean, that everyone who is depressed feels this way. It is very, very, very individual. Nevertheless, I’ll try to explain how I feel in the following blog posts – maybe it will help you gain some understanding into why a person with depression can’t just snap out of it.
As I touched upon in my first post I have been doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching over the past months – coming to the horrible, even terrifying, conclusion that I have been living my life for others instead of myself. To admit this, has, to be honest, been a long and painful process. I love my family and friends with all that I have, but I have never really been able to love myself – and maybe this is the reason I am now finding myself in a position, where I don’t even know who I am.
Few things like dreams, passions and hobbies have been constant, and most of my notions through times have been fleeting at best. Looking back I think it has been partially due to the fact, that I wanted to please others more than I wanted to please myself, and partially to the fact that I am complete and utterly petrified of failing. If you give up or quit, you are essentially not really failing, you are not even competing you know? I realize this is a flawed logic – and I want to work on it I really do – but it is logic none the less, and logic build on fear is never to be underestimated.
Considering this I have decided to examine some of the things, I have kept coming back to. My goal for my 25th year will then be to, in one way or another, work towards achieving and gaining these experiences. Hopefully, in a year I will be writing you all about how I am happy to have taken life into my own hands, and that I feel like I am finally living the life I wanted. In order for me to be able to keep track of this dreams, and for you to be included here is a list of the three things that have been recurring through my life:
- I wanted to learn how to dance. Ballet preferably – or burlesque (very different from each other, I am aware) but also ballroom dancing. I know it is not necessarily worth anything to be able to ballroom dance today, but it has always seemed so much like something you need to know how to in my heart.
- I wanted to learn how to play the piano. Pretty self explanatory right? But my parents couldn’t afford a piano (nor did they have the space for one) so I learned how to play guitar instead – really poorly, because I never really wanted to play the guitar, I wanted to play the piano.
- I wanted to move to the US, more specifically one of the Southern states. Do not ask me why, I would not be able to explain it. This is probably my biggest dream, and has been for as long as I remember. I have never been to the US – but a part of me, have always, and I mean always, felt like I belonged there. You know how in literature, poetry and songs artist tells about a heart pulling you somewhere without explanation – this is how I feel about the Southern state of the US.
But enough of this! I promise every post want me as depressing and filled with as much melancholy as this one is.