Journal Entry #4

Dear world…

Long time no see. I’ve been dealing with a lot of pressure, as I’m finishing up my bachelor project these weeks.. And I’m a bit of an overachiever. So I guess the pressure is somewhat selfmade. I had one entry almost ready, but it’s a little personal and a lot dark, so I’m not really sure I’m ready to share it yet. Some day though.

I’ve really been obsessed with the Jimmy Eat World song Hear You Me lately. I shared it as one of the songs of the day previously. The lyrics and the emotion in the song is just so real and raw, while still maintaining a sort of polished sound – I’m not even sure it makes sense, but it has really imprinted into me. I read somewhere the song was written about a couple of sisters who ran the Weezers fan club and tragically died in a car accident on the way back from a Weezer concert, the phrase ‘Hear You Me’ refers to something the girls would always say to each other. Obviously this is an emotional and very beautiful story, for me though.. the truth of the song is different. I lost my Grandmother four years ago. She was old, suffered from dementia, and everyone keeps telling me, it was for the best, but I still feel the loss everyday and I can still cry about it, guess that makes me a bit of a wuss, huh?

The thing is my Gran was my world. I didn’t always connect with people easy, and I’ve always had trouble creating emotional attachments with people, because I am so so SO scared of disappointing, but to my grandma I was the most precious and perfect thing to ever grace this world. She made me believe in myself and she made me feel loved, something I have a really hard time doing. One of the hardest things about losing her was constantly being confronted with other peoples opinion of her. To me she was amazing, but lets just say, that I was the exception for the rule. Constantly having to contemplate if the image I had of her was a lie, well it sucked.

The reason this song makes me think of my grandma, is the phrases:

So what would you think of me now/So lucky, so strong, so proud?/I never said thank you for that/now I’ll never have a chance

And if you were with me tonight/I’d sing to you just one more time/A song for a heart so big/God wouldn’t let it live

I guess it’s pretty self explanatory why those things would remind me of her, huh? I still want to make her proud, and I think about whether or not I do every single day and with every decision I make. The other part of the lyrics is actually two fold, we used to sing together – I actually once promised I’d sing at her funeral, but I couldn’t. I still feel guilty for that. And her heart was big when it came to me.. While I know that part of the lyrics should probably be understood as a reference to the fact that the girls were young when they died, and my Grandma was everything but young when she died, I still needed her and her heart, so I have to believe God took it for a reason.

 

 

So, I guess you know my song truth for ‘Hear You Me’ now.

xx El

City Secrets: Rome

Verde Pistacchio

It is insanely hot and humid here today, so I am really dreaming about some ice-cream. This obviously got me thinking about the best ice-cream spots I’ve ever visited, and this is definitely one of them. Not only is the ice-cream really good, but I mean, look at this place? Isn’t it gorgeous? I wanted to write that my favourite ice-cream flavour is pistachio, but then I realized that my favourite ice-cream flavour is just as much affected by my mood as everything else! So yea, love pistachio – but let’s get real, ice-cream in any flavour is favourite.

I’ve been doing a decent amount of traveling the last couple of years, and I figured I might as well share some of the “secrets” I’ve encountered. Who knows, maybe I will even end up creating some city guides 🙂

This little gem of an ice-cream parlor, or gelateria artiginale, can be found on Via Nazionale, 239, 00184 Rome, Italy and their webpage is here.

xx El

(ps. this is NOT a sponsored post)

Journal Entry #3

Dear world.

About reality. It’s a concept I’ve struggled a lot with in the past, and I guess I still do today. It’s probably not been made easier by my issues, but I’m not sure that’s what caused it. I mean.. How is reality constructed? I know some distinguishes reality from imagining – or lies from truth. But what happens, when a lie has been told so many times you can’t remember what the truth is?

I lied a lot growing up. First I lied so my parents didn’t know I was picked on, then I lied to fit in, then I started lying so people wouldn’t know how bad things were. And somewhere along the way I lost track of what was lies and what was reality, and it can still mess with my head. I can think back to a situation and be certain I was there, that it was reality, and later find out it never happened. I can wake up from a night out and not be able to distinguish between what I dreamt, and what is alcohol induced haze. I can read a book and get so submerged in it, that I actually feel loss when its over – feel like I know the people in real life, and find myself sharing anecdotes, just to remember they never actually happened but were fictive events in a book or movie. And to be completely honest with you, it scare the shit out of me – because if I don’t even know what’s real and not inside my head, how can I ever find peace?

Lately I’ve found myself getting frustrated with myself. Annoyed that I overthink everything, that my brain never slows down but always goes a mile a minute speeding through ridiculous questions and debates that serve no purpose other than distress me. I’m really hoping some of these ramblings will limit the ramblings inside my head. I try to limit the more crazy ones from appearing here, but if I slip up a little, feel free to tell me.

 

xx El

Fashion?

Dear Y’all,
So I might as well come clean now, I have a huge lingerie fetish.. I mean I have a huge fashion fetish, but I can spend hours on hours looking at lingerie online, and this fine set just made it into my buy pile as an early graduation present for myself. I like that it’s playful and girly, I usually end up buying plain black, because though I love looking, I’m not much of a risk-taker when I buy.. I’m really looking forward to wearing it! Sexy quality underwear can make any woman feel confident and, at least for me, wearing lingerie makes me feel like I’m in on a secret and that, well let’s just say that gives me an attractive aura.

I recently found this webshop, and no this post is not sponsored, and I love it so far. The pictures are borrowed from their site, and I’m really hoping I’m not currently breaking 30 mio different copyright laws, and if I am, I hope someone will let me know! I honestly have nothing you can sue me for 😉

The webshop is called My Lingerie Closet, they deliver discounted quality and high end lingerie to Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Finland so far. There selection is limited, but the price makes it worth it!

xx El

Art inspiration

IMG_1877I took this picture at an art exhibit at Louisiana Museum of Modern Art. For me it’s something really special, because it reminds me of my childhood. I could go into a huge analysis on the picture, but the only thing I can think about that matters is, I’m the girl in the red dress. Obviously not literally as the artist, Paula Modersohn-Becker, died in 1907.