Long time no see. I’ve been dealing with a lot of pressure, as I’m finishing up my bachelor project these weeks.. And I’m a bit of an overachiever. So I guess the pressure is somewhat selfmade. I had one entry almost ready, but it’s a little personal and a lot dark, so I’m not really sure I’m ready to share it yet. Some day though.
I’ve really been obsessed with the Jimmy Eat World song Hear You Me lately. I shared it as one of the songs of the day previously. The lyrics and the emotion in the song is just so real and raw, while still maintaining a sort of polished sound – I’m not even sure it makes sense, but it has really imprinted into me. I read somewhere the song was written about a couple of sisters who ran the Weezers fan club and tragically died in a car accident on the way back from a Weezer concert, the phrase ‘Hear You Me’ refers to something the girls would always say to each other. Obviously this is an emotional and very beautiful story, for me though.. the truth of the song is different. I lost my Grandmother four years ago. She was old, suffered from dementia, and everyone keeps telling me, it was for the best, but I still feel the loss everyday and I can still cry about it, guess that makes me a bit of a wuss, huh?
The thing is my Gran was my world. I didn’t always connect with people easy, and I’ve always had trouble creating emotional attachments with people, because I am so so SO scared of disappointing, but to my grandma I was the most precious and perfect thing to ever grace this world. She made me believe in myself and she made me feel loved, something I have a really hard time doing. One of the hardest things about losing her was constantly being confronted with other peoples opinion of her. To me she was amazing, but lets just say, that I was the exception for the rule. Constantly having to contemplate if the image I had of her was a lie, well it sucked.
The reason this song makes me think of my grandma, is the phrases:
“So what would you think of me now/So lucky, so strong, so proud?/I never said thank you for that/now I’ll never have a chance”
“And if you were with me tonight/I’d sing to you just one more time/A song for a heart so big/God wouldn’t let it live”
I guess it’s pretty self explanatory why those things would remind me of her, huh? I still want to make her proud, and I think about whether or not I do every single day and with every decision I make. The other part of the lyrics is actually two fold, we used to sing together – I actually once promised I’d sing at her funeral, but I couldn’t. I still feel guilty for that. And her heart was big when it came to me.. While I know that part of the lyrics should probably be understood as a reference to the fact that the girls were young when they died, and my Grandma was everything but young when she died, I still needed her and her heart, so I have to believe God took it for a reason.
So, I guess you know my song truth for ‘Hear You Me’ now.