I think I can now relate to how a druggy feel when craving a new fix. I need to hear your voice. To see you. To understand that we were once real, and that reality now is, that we are not. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare and I can’t wake up. My brain is reasoning this must be a nightmare, because even I can’t be stupid enough to give up on us. On you. On myself. We weren’t picture perfect, but the perfect picture. Why did I let us go? And why didn’t you fight me? I thought we were more. 

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#1

She cried and cried until she felt empty. The tears crusting on her cheeks. And for the first time, it did not make her feel better. It just left her in despair, feeling hopeless.

Mistakes, misery and melancholy 

I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have left him. I knew it when I did and I still know it now. Why did I then? Well to release him, of the burden of me. Because I know, I am not good enough for him, and I never would be. I am damaged, broken. But I wasn’t shattered, I wasn’t completely unglued until I left him. Now I am nothing. Small tiny fragments that will never stick together. Now I am sorrow. I am remorse. I am guilt. I am embarrassed. 

I should have put as much faith into us, as I did in you. 

Journal Entry #5

Dear world,

As I’ve previously mentioned I’m currently really wrapped up in finishing my bachelor thesis. Therefore the lack of posts here these days.

I’m happy-ish though, which is the best I’ve been for years. So that’s good. But I guess it is true what they say. Imagination and creation strives on pain and struggle. I’m having a hard time stringing two words together these days, and when I finally do it is much much darker than what I have previously created. It seems that whenever I put my mind to writing what I know, my innermost secrets and darkest thoughts are what fills the paper, and while these reflections are important for me, I’m not sure, they are appropriate for this place.

Lately I’ve been struggling with memories of the attempted assault – and I am currently working on a blog-post related to this, I just need to be sure I’m ready to share it.

I left with my project group for the weekend to get away from distraction and focus on writing the Bachelor thesis, but to be completely fair, I think I’m even more distracted here, than I would have been back home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my group, they are amazing. I am however, the only girl in a sea of guys, and while that might sound like a dream it’s really not. Somewhere along the line over the past three years, I’ve gone from being a female to one of the guys, and I relish this position most of the time, but to be honest, it can get pretty frustrating.

I have to listen to a lot of farts, a lot of inappropriate jokes and even more guy-talk ranging from talk of another girls looks to football. Needless to say, I sometimes need a little girl time. Most of my girl friends are however not in the same city (they are actually not even in the same country region) so I’ve noticed these small changes in my personality over the past couple of months (okay, let’s be fair – years) and I am honestly scared I’m turning in to a guy.

Please tell me it’s reversible? I really love being a girl..

 

xx El

P.s. the guys are actually really hilarious most of the times, I’ll try to write down some of the better stories and share them with you in the future 😉

City Secrets: Rome

Verde Pistacchio

It is insanely hot and humid here today, so I am really dreaming about some ice-cream. This obviously got me thinking about the best ice-cream spots I’ve ever visited, and this is definitely one of them. Not only is the ice-cream really good, but I mean, look at this place? Isn’t it gorgeous? I wanted to write that my favourite ice-cream flavour is pistachio, but then I realized that my favourite ice-cream flavour is just as much affected by my mood as everything else! So yea, love pistachio – but let’s get real, ice-cream in any flavour is favourite.

I’ve been doing a decent amount of traveling the last couple of years, and I figured I might as well share some of the “secrets” I’ve encountered. Who knows, maybe I will even end up creating some city guides 🙂

This little gem of an ice-cream parlor, or gelateria artiginale, can be found on Via Nazionale, 239, 00184 Rome, Italy and their webpage is here.

xx El

(ps. this is NOT a sponsored post)

Fashion?

Dear Y’all,
So I might as well come clean now, I have a huge lingerie fetish.. I mean I have a huge fashion fetish, but I can spend hours on hours looking at lingerie online, and this fine set just made it into my buy pile as an early graduation present for myself. I like that it’s playful and girly, I usually end up buying plain black, because though I love looking, I’m not much of a risk-taker when I buy.. I’m really looking forward to wearing it! Sexy quality underwear can make any woman feel confident and, at least for me, wearing lingerie makes me feel like I’m in on a secret and that, well let’s just say that gives me an attractive aura.

I recently found this webshop, and no this post is not sponsored, and I love it so far. The pictures are borrowed from their site, and I’m really hoping I’m not currently breaking 30 mio different copyright laws, and if I am, I hope someone will let me know! I honestly have nothing you can sue me for 😉

The webshop is called My Lingerie Closet, they deliver discounted quality and high end lingerie to Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Finland so far. There selection is limited, but the price makes it worth it!

xx El

Art inspiration

IMG_1877I took this picture at an art exhibit at Louisiana Museum of Modern Art. For me it’s something really special, because it reminds me of my childhood. I could go into a huge analysis on the picture, but the only thing I can think about that matters is, I’m the girl in the red dress. Obviously not literally as the artist, Paula Modersohn-Becker, died in 1907.