Her gaze was always drawn toward the sky, her thoughts running amongst the clouds. She felt nothing like an angel, but was always dreaming of flying. No she was no angel, but felt like the fallen. Always longing for belonging, knowing her place was nowhere on earth but among the stars.
I’m standing on the platform, looking at the train approaching, I can’t help wondering what would happen if I jumped now? What would happen to the people standing along with me. How would it impact their lives? How would it affect my family and friends? Who would attend my funeral? And how long would it take for people to move on? Because they inevitably will. That’s the real kicker about time right? It moves regardless of how we feel. With no regard to us.
Will the people on the platform wonder if they could have mattered? Will they feel guilty for not reacting when they first noticed me? Or did they never notice the pain behind my eyes? Were they preoccupied with their own demons? I wonder if my pain is not as apparent as I feel it is. I look at my chest searching for a hole, where my heart was before you stole it.
I’m standing on the platform, looking at the train approaching. It stops.
I keep wanting to write this magnificent thing. These words that will completely convince you. Will show you my undying, unyielding love. That things are different. I left us to find me. I left us because I was scared of forever. I left us because I wanted more for you. But I can’t write the words. I choke. I scare. Because I’m the vulnerable one now. Yet again. I flash back to the beginning of us. To all the times I showed you my heart, bared to you my soul – just to have you throw it back in my face. Just to have you tell me, you did not want. I was not worthy. I am not worthy now. But I can’t be the exposed once again. And I know I need to be. I need you to be gentle with me, but take charge. I need you to love me, and let me love you. I want you to want us again, I want us again. I want us to never let us go. I am ready now. Ready for forever. I am no longer scared.
I think I can now relate to how a druggy feel when craving a new fix. I need to hear your voice. To see you. To understand that we were once real, and that reality now is, that we are not. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare and I can’t wake up. My brain is reasoning this must be a nightmare, because even I can’t be stupid enough to give up on us. On you. On myself. We weren’t picture perfect, but the perfect picture. Why did I let us go? And why didn’t you fight me? I thought we were more.
I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have left him. I knew it when I did and I still know it now. Why did I then? Well to release him, of the burden of me. Because I know, I am not good enough for him, and I never would be. I am damaged, broken. But I wasn’t shattered, I wasn’t completely unglued until I left him. Now I am nothing. Small tiny fragments that will never stick together. Now I am sorrow. I am remorse. I am guilt. I am embarrassed.
I should have put as much faith into us, as I did in you.
As I’ve previously mentioned I’m currently really wrapped up in finishing my bachelor thesis. Therefore the lack of posts here these days.
I’m happy-ish though, which is the best I’ve been for years. So that’s good. But I guess it is true what they say. Imagination and creation strives on pain and struggle. I’m having a hard time stringing two words together these days, and when I finally do it is much much darker than what I have previously created. It seems that whenever I put my mind to writing what I know, my innermost secrets and darkest thoughts are what fills the paper, and while these reflections are important for me, I’m not sure, they are appropriate for this place.
Lately I’ve been struggling with memories of the attempted assault – and I am currently working on a blog-post related to this, I just need to be sure I’m ready to share it.
I left with my project group for the weekend to get away from distraction and focus on writing the Bachelor thesis, but to be completely fair, I think I’m even more distracted here, than I would have been back home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my group, they are amazing. I am however, the only girl in a sea of guys, and while that might sound like a dream it’s really not. Somewhere along the line over the past three years, I’ve gone from being a female to one of the guys, and I relish this position most of the time, but to be honest, it can get pretty frustrating.
I have to listen to a lot of farts, a lot of inappropriate jokes and even more guy-talk ranging from talk of another girls looks to football. Needless to say, I sometimes need a little girl time. Most of my girl friends are however not in the same city (they are actually not even in the same country region) so I’ve noticed these small changes in my personality over the past couple of months (okay, let’s be fair – years) and I am honestly scared I’m turning in to a guy.
Please tell me it’s reversible? I really love being a girl..
P.s. the guys are actually really hilarious most of the times, I’ll try to write down some of the better stories and share them with you in the future 😉
It is insanely hot and humid here today, so I am really dreaming about some ice-cream. This obviously got me thinking about the best ice-cream spots I’ve ever visited, and this is definitely one of them. Not only is the ice-cream really good, but I mean, look at this place? Isn’t it gorgeous? I wanted to write that my favourite ice-cream flavour is pistachio, but then I realized that my favourite ice-cream flavour is just as much affected by my mood as everything else! So yea, love pistachio – but let’s get real, ice-cream in any flavour is favourite.
I’ve been doing a decent amount of traveling the last couple of years, and I figured I might as well share some of the “secrets” I’ve encountered. Who knows, maybe I will even end up creating some city guides 🙂
This little gem of an ice-cream parlor, or gelateria artiginale, can be found on Via Nazionale, 239, 00184 Rome, Italy and their webpage is here.
(ps. this is NOT a sponsored post)
So it’s been a while.. I’ve been pretty preoccupied, and to be completely honest, I have a love/hate relationship with this whole blogging concept. I’ve always had a hard time separating personal from private thoughts, and when I write, I write with complete honesty.
In almost all “how to create a succesful blog” it is stated you need commitment and to be true to your expression. To be honest, I think my issue is, that I don’t know what my expression is. I’m not just one thing, one stereotype, one personality. I’ve never really been able to figure out whether this is common, but other people hide it better, or if it is a “side effect” of my “issues”. I think maybe we all contain contradictions, I know I’m a bundle of them. It gets confusing, because if I can’t commit to one personality, how am I to ever fit in anywhere? I remember one time being told that man created hell and the devil, because we weren’t able to understand good unless it was put into contrast with evil. That the human brain understand concepts on the basis of contradictions. I don’t know if this is true, and I won’t even go into the whole “does God exist” debate, people’s faith is there own, but if I just consider the whole human needs contradictions to understand concepts, I guess it would make sense, we are contradictions.
I finally started medication. Antidepressants. I fought against taking them for 12 years, scared to death, that I would loose myself, my emotions, my thoughts – me. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it yet. After taking the first pill it felt as if a fog lifted from my thoughts, and everything became a little more focused, but at the same time it felt as if all of me was pushed down, like a lid was shoved down over my emotions. Things I had buried years ago resurfaced and while they still aren’t pleasant to think about, I feel ready to deal with them now, and while this is amazing (especially if I can finally let go of some of these demons) I feel that this development might have something to do with me being unable to actually feel. It is as if I can see the emotion I am supposed to feel, I understand how it feels, but it doesn’t penetrate. And it honestly scares me to death.
So I thought it might be fun to list some of the contradictions I identify in myself, but then I realized I didn’t want to bias you guys. Maybe if we keep this up, you’ll be able to identify them.
As I touched upon in my first post I have been doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching over the past months – coming to the horrible, even terrifying, conclusion that I have been living my life for others instead of myself. To admit this, has, to be honest, been a long and painful process. I love my family and friends with all that I have, but I have never really been able to love myself – and maybe this is the reason I am now finding myself in a position, where I don’t even know who I am.
Few things like dreams, passions and hobbies have been constant, and most of my notions through times have been fleeting at best. Looking back I think it has been partially due to the fact, that I wanted to please others more than I wanted to please myself, and partially to the fact that I am complete and utterly petrified of failing. If you give up or quit, you are essentially not really failing, you are not even competing you know? I realize this is a flawed logic – and I want to work on it I really do – but it is logic none the less, and logic build on fear is never to be underestimated.
Considering this I have decided to examine some of the things, I have kept coming back to. My goal for my 25th year will then be to, in one way or another, work towards achieving and gaining these experiences. Hopefully, in a year I will be writing you all about how I am happy to have taken life into my own hands, and that I feel like I am finally living the life I wanted. In order for me to be able to keep track of this dreams, and for you to be included here is a list of the three things that have been recurring through my life:
- I wanted to learn how to dance. Ballet preferably – or burlesque (very different from each other, I am aware) but also ballroom dancing. I know it is not necessarily worth anything to be able to ballroom dance today, but it has always seemed so much like something you need to know how to in my heart.
- I wanted to learn how to play the piano. Pretty self explanatory right? But my parents couldn’t afford a piano (nor did they have the space for one) so I learned how to play guitar instead – really poorly, because I never really wanted to play the guitar, I wanted to play the piano.
- I wanted to move to the US, more specifically one of the Southern states. Do not ask me why, I would not be able to explain it. This is probably my biggest dream, and has been for as long as I remember. I have never been to the US – but a part of me, have always, and I mean always, felt like I belonged there. You know how in literature, poetry and songs artist tells about a heart pulling you somewhere without explanation – this is how I feel about the Southern state of the US.
But enough of this! I promise every post want me as depressing and filled with as much melancholy as this one is.