I think I can now relate to how a druggy feel when craving a new fix. I need to hear your voice. To see you. To understand that we were once real, and that reality now is, that we are not. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare and I can’t wake up. My brain is reasoning this must be a nightmare, because even I can’t be stupid enough to give up on us. On you. On myself. We weren’t picture perfect, but the perfect picture. Why did I let us go? And why didn’t you fight me? I thought we were more.
I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have left him. I knew it when I did and I still know it now. Why did I then? Well to release him, of the burden of me. Because I know, I am not good enough for him, and I never would be. I am damaged, broken. But I wasn’t shattered, I wasn’t completely unglued until I left him. Now I am nothing. Small tiny fragments that will never stick together. Now I am sorrow. I am remorse. I am guilt. I am embarrassed.
I should have put as much faith into us, as I did in you.
As I’ve previously mentioned I’m currently really wrapped up in finishing my bachelor thesis. Therefore the lack of posts here these days.
I’m happy-ish though, which is the best I’ve been for years. So that’s good. But I guess it is true what they say. Imagination and creation strives on pain and struggle. I’m having a hard time stringing two words together these days, and when I finally do it is much much darker than what I have previously created. It seems that whenever I put my mind to writing what I know, my innermost secrets and darkest thoughts are what fills the paper, and while these reflections are important for me, I’m not sure, they are appropriate for this place.
Lately I’ve been struggling with memories of the attempted assault – and I am currently working on a blog-post related to this, I just need to be sure I’m ready to share it.
I left with my project group for the weekend to get away from distraction and focus on writing the Bachelor thesis, but to be completely fair, I think I’m even more distracted here, than I would have been back home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my group, they are amazing. I am however, the only girl in a sea of guys, and while that might sound like a dream it’s really not. Somewhere along the line over the past three years, I’ve gone from being a female to one of the guys, and I relish this position most of the time, but to be honest, it can get pretty frustrating.
I have to listen to a lot of farts, a lot of inappropriate jokes and even more guy-talk ranging from talk of another girls looks to football. Needless to say, I sometimes need a little girl time. Most of my girl friends are however not in the same city (they are actually not even in the same country region) so I’ve noticed these small changes in my personality over the past couple of months (okay, let’s be fair – years) and I am honestly scared I’m turning in to a guy.
Please tell me it’s reversible? I really love being a girl..
P.s. the guys are actually really hilarious most of the times, I’ll try to write down some of the better stories and share them with you in the future 😉
It is insanely hot and humid here today, so I am really dreaming about some ice-cream. This obviously got me thinking about the best ice-cream spots I’ve ever visited, and this is definitely one of them. Not only is the ice-cream really good, but I mean, look at this place? Isn’t it gorgeous? I wanted to write that my favourite ice-cream flavour is pistachio, but then I realized that my favourite ice-cream flavour is just as much affected by my mood as everything else! So yea, love pistachio – but let’s get real, ice-cream in any flavour is favourite.
I’ve been doing a decent amount of traveling the last couple of years, and I figured I might as well share some of the “secrets” I’ve encountered. Who knows, maybe I will even end up creating some city guides 🙂
This little gem of an ice-cream parlor, or gelateria artiginale, can be found on Via Nazionale, 239, 00184 Rome, Italy and their webpage is here.
(ps. this is NOT a sponsored post)
So it’s been a while.. I’ve been pretty preoccupied, and to be completely honest, I have a love/hate relationship with this whole blogging concept. I’ve always had a hard time separating personal from private thoughts, and when I write, I write with complete honesty.
In almost all “how to create a succesful blog” it is stated you need commitment and to be true to your expression. To be honest, I think my issue is, that I don’t know what my expression is. I’m not just one thing, one stereotype, one personality. I’ve never really been able to figure out whether this is common, but other people hide it better, or if it is a “side effect” of my “issues”. I think maybe we all contain contradictions, I know I’m a bundle of them. It gets confusing, because if I can’t commit to one personality, how am I to ever fit in anywhere? I remember one time being told that man created hell and the devil, because we weren’t able to understand good unless it was put into contrast with evil. That the human brain understand concepts on the basis of contradictions. I don’t know if this is true, and I won’t even go into the whole “does God exist” debate, people’s faith is there own, but if I just consider the whole human needs contradictions to understand concepts, I guess it would make sense, we are contradictions.
I finally started medication. Antidepressants. I fought against taking them for 12 years, scared to death, that I would loose myself, my emotions, my thoughts – me. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it yet. After taking the first pill it felt as if a fog lifted from my thoughts, and everything became a little more focused, but at the same time it felt as if all of me was pushed down, like a lid was shoved down over my emotions. Things I had buried years ago resurfaced and while they still aren’t pleasant to think about, I feel ready to deal with them now, and while this is amazing (especially if I can finally let go of some of these demons) I feel that this development might have something to do with me being unable to actually feel. It is as if I can see the emotion I am supposed to feel, I understand how it feels, but it doesn’t penetrate. And it honestly scares me to death.
So I thought it might be fun to list some of the contradictions I identify in myself, but then I realized I didn’t want to bias you guys. Maybe if we keep this up, you’ll be able to identify them.
As I touched upon in my first post I have been doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching over the past months – coming to the horrible, even terrifying, conclusion that I have been living my life for others instead of myself. To admit this, has, to be honest, been a long and painful process. I love my family and friends with all that I have, but I have never really been able to love myself – and maybe this is the reason I am now finding myself in a position, where I don’t even know who I am.
Few things like dreams, passions and hobbies have been constant, and most of my notions through times have been fleeting at best. Looking back I think it has been partially due to the fact, that I wanted to please others more than I wanted to please myself, and partially to the fact that I am complete and utterly petrified of failing. If you give up or quit, you are essentially not really failing, you are not even competing you know? I realize this is a flawed logic – and I want to work on it I really do – but it is logic none the less, and logic build on fear is never to be underestimated.
Considering this I have decided to examine some of the things, I have kept coming back to. My goal for my 25th year will then be to, in one way or another, work towards achieving and gaining these experiences. Hopefully, in a year I will be writing you all about how I am happy to have taken life into my own hands, and that I feel like I am finally living the life I wanted. In order for me to be able to keep track of this dreams, and for you to be included here is a list of the three things that have been recurring through my life:
- I wanted to learn how to dance. Ballet preferably – or burlesque (very different from each other, I am aware) but also ballroom dancing. I know it is not necessarily worth anything to be able to ballroom dance today, but it has always seemed so much like something you need to know how to in my heart.
- I wanted to learn how to play the piano. Pretty self explanatory right? But my parents couldn’t afford a piano (nor did they have the space for one) so I learned how to play guitar instead – really poorly, because I never really wanted to play the guitar, I wanted to play the piano.
- I wanted to move to the US, more specifically one of the Southern states. Do not ask me why, I would not be able to explain it. This is probably my biggest dream, and has been for as long as I remember. I have never been to the US – but a part of me, have always, and I mean always, felt like I belonged there. You know how in literature, poetry and songs artist tells about a heart pulling you somewhere without explanation – this is how I feel about the Southern state of the US.
But enough of this! I promise every post want me as depressing and filled with as much melancholy as this one is.
Last month I turned 25. Hooray for me. Like most people this ‘milestone’ left me contemplating life, and let me tell you – I am not satisfied. I mean I love life! I am one of those weird people who will stop in the middle of the street to look and smell a flower and genuinely think, life is a magical thing, and I am blessed to get to experience it. Which is why it hit me in the gutter, when I realised, that I am not living life like I want to.
I realised out of nowhere, that I throughout all of my life have let other people persuade me into thinking the things I would like to do was out of reach, or not what I really wanted. I have made every important decision in my life considering everyone else’s feelings and how they would perceive my decision, and it have left me empty and unfulfilled. Please do not get me wrong, this is no ones fault but my own, my parents have never intentionally pushed their agendas on me, neither has friends, loved ones or even teachers, but I listen when people talk. I realise what they would prefer, and I try my best to live up to those expectations. But enough is enough, and I have promised myself my 25th year will be the year I start living for me.
This blog will hopefully work a dual purpose. First of, I hope it will help me stay on course with the plan to live my life for me. By putting my dreams and goals out there it will become real, and I will have to contemplate and consider what I want out of life. Secondly, I hope it will give me a place to work out my thoughts and feelings in the process. As a result of this, you’re going to know me better than most by the end of this – for now, you’ll have to do with the knowledge that I love the smell of coffee and the first sip of coffee in the morning, peonies are my favourite flowers and I am immensely scared of failure.
That is it for now I guess.
Hope to have y’all with me on this journey to become me.